Fri
Sep
30
A Punishment To Sneeze At
WHAT A BOOB!
Amateur magician Russell Fitzgerald has performed less ambitious tricks at previous meetings, but none caused this much controversy -- especially for Ellen Killian, who had no idea she was going to experience a wardrobe malfunction at his hand.
Fitzgerald ultimately made a clean breast of things, issuing a written apology and promising to avoid such tricks in the future.
COPPING A BUZZ
Nicholas Hill was at his Houston home when police entered in search of drugs -- and found the brownies. At first the officers denied downing the buzz-inducing treats, but entries on their patrol car computer included such lines as "So high -- good munchies!"
Hill is still on the hook for drug charges, but his lawyer has expressed concern about the cops' actions, saying, "We're potentially talking about police officers driving around the city of Houston high on drugs, conducting official police business while high on drugs. It's a pretty big deal."
CASHING IN YOUR CHIPS FOR SOME FRIES
The promotion, tied in with the launch of the chain's semi-regular Monopoly game, lasted just 12 hours, but thousands of orders of fries were distributed. Although Milwaukee munchers were the only ones to get free chow, gamers in Cleveland nabbed a day's worth of parking for bringing in "free parking" cards.
Here's hoping none of the customers got out of hand and needed a "get out of jail free" card.
A PUNISHMENT TO SNEEZE AT
Health teacher Steve Cuckovich admitted he'd knocked 25 percent off the unidentified student's grade for the salutation, but insisted it wasn't a slap at religion. Cuckovich said he'd levied the punishment because the "bless you" was an "interruption of class time."
The snooty educator added, "In the old days, they thought you were dispelling evil spirits, so they were saying, 'God bless you' for getting rid of evil spirits. But today, what you're doing doesn't really make any sense anymore."
For the record, the school's principal reversed the punishment.
Thu
Sep
29
Gimme A T!
FISH GOTTA FLY!
The Atlanta Police Department found the package in the unclaimed baggage area and ordered passengers to stand back 200 feet while they investigated. When no explosives were found, authorities re-opened the area -- but have not reconnected the owner with the seafood special.
GIMME A T!
There's a longstanding Tech tradition of swiping the letter "T" from an on-campus tower, but in recent times, students have been prying the letter off anything that's not nailed down -- and some things that are. All in all, the vandalism has cost more than 100 thousand bucks.
A school official has launched a new campaign to "Keep The 'T' in Tech," and is pleading for the return of a few of the taken T's, saying "We don't care why you stole the T or when. We just want to know where you got it so we can restore it to its rightful place."
THIS POT WILL KNOCK YOU OUT!
Alan Quint was wandering down a street in the normally peaceful town wielding the pot in a menacing fashion, and slamming it into the windows and doors of several homes. A police spokesman said, "He said he wasn't angry with anyone, but this was just what he chose to do."
Quint also told police he wanted to go to jail, and that request was granted.
TOILET GO BOOM
Apparently the explosion was caused by a high degree of air pressure in the plumbing at the building. They aren't sure how it happened, but crews apparently fixed the issue so that no one else would get Mike Tyson'd when attempting to go to the bathroom.
Wed
Sep
28
He'll Be Doing Time
HE'S ALL WASHED UP
Robert Luther was arrested after the owner of a vacant rental home observed him and a female companion pry open the door to a laundry room and slip inside. He said he believed that Luther was a friend of a previous tenant, but that the man did not have his permission to enter the property.
He's pressing charges for theft of electricity and approximately 30 gallons of water.
TAKE A HIKE, DUDE!
Lawyers for Oliver Thomas claim that making him walk across a street in handcuffs would be a violation of his human rights, and authorities agreed! The van, which was stationed more than 100 miles away, took so long to arrive that Thomas was late to his court appearance on charges of disorderly conduct.
A police spokesman said, "This is another example of where the human rights of offenders is completely disproportionate to reality.'
HE'LL BE DOING TIME
A fellow employee noticed that Otis Keene was wearing a familiar looking timepiece and notified security to keep an eye on him. Almost immediately, an officer spotted Keene pocketing a pair of ear buds and detained him for questioning -- leading him to confess to hundreds of dollars worth of thefts.
He'll soon be doing time for larceny -- but he'll have to ask someone with a watch exactly how much.
STOP THE VIOLENCE... OR I'LL KILL YA!
Rock Dagenais, who was carrying a sawed-off rifle and a hunting knife, told teachers that he didn't mind shooting children, and warned that he'd do so if cops were called. After he was taken into custody without incident, he spun an odd tale of depression over being bullied while a child -- something he thought he could prevent by scaring the fourth graders straight with weapons.
He apologized in court, but insisted there was "perfect safety" in his actions.
Tue
Sep
27
Bringing Home The Bacon
PHONY COPS AND PHONY ROBBERS
Wilnelia Caraballo was wearing a clear plastic mask and carrying an "Uzi-type" toy gun when she approached a clerk and demanded cash. Another clerk sensed the wannabe stick-up gal was a little bit loaded, and shouted "Palm Bay police, get on the ground!"
Caraballo complied and was held by the unarmed, un-uniformed Kangaroo Express employee until real cops arrived.
OFFICER, ARREST THAT TROOPER!
A deputy tried to flag down the unidentified driver for going 15 miles an hour over the speed limit near Park City, but he refused to stop -- instead calling an emergency number to say police "needed to leave him alone." Officers set up a roadblock, complete with tire-popping spikes, but the 20-year-old surrendered before ruining his radials.
A family member told authorities that the man "had a bad morning and wasn't stopping for the cops. It was nothing more than that."
BRINGING HOME THE BACON
Kenya Ealy returned to her home and tried to open the kitchen door, but couldn't -- because Damon Petty was holding it closed from the inside. When she finally did make it in, she found him standing over the stove, tending to a pan of pork products.
Ealy and a friend struggled with Petty and managed to call cops, who arrived to grill him -- and find some items from the home stuffed into his pockets.
WHAT A BUNCH OF DUMB AXES!
Thomas McCulloch was convicted of hacking three people to death back in 1976 and was sentenced to life in prison -- but he's being allowed temporary leaves in order to sharpen his landscaping skills.
Not everyone is thrilled with the idea. A prison source said, "I don't think it's a good idea to let a murderer like McCulloch near sharp implements such as axes and shears -- that could be a disaster waiting to happen."
Mon
Sep
26
Make It A Double... Arrest
STINKY HOUSEGUESTS
Stephanie and Bill Palieri said about 10 skunks had gotten into the house through a window that was left open.
Once inside, the critters wreaked havoc on the home -- tunneling through walls and chewing on cabinets, furniture, and wires.
The elderly couple, who are retired and living on a fixed income, didn't have the money to pay a trapper to get rid of the stinky intruders. But when their story got out, a number of local businesses offered to help -- free of charge.
RAW STUPIDITY
58-year-old Ronald Smith (a Colorado statehouse lobbyist) also poured an unknown substance into a piano and erased a hard drive on his ex-wife's computer. The vandalism caused thousands of dollars of damage.
Smith was found guilty of second-degree burglary and criminal mischief.
MAKE IT A DOUBLE... ARREST
Police say 58-year-old Robert Brodnick's blood-alcohol limit was at least twice the legal limit when he was first arrested.
Police say Brodnick was released into the custody of a "responsible party" but say that person must have taken him to his car because the same trooper who brought Brodnick in the first time saw him driving again.
Brodnick claims that he had two or three beers and just wanted to drive his new car home.
DUCKED UP
A Santa Cruz, California, woman was jailed on charges of public intoxication -- and abusing a duck.
Sheriff's deputies received a call that a woman was drunk and throwing a duck to the ground.
When officers arrived at the scene, they found an intoxicated woman throwing the duck around. It was not known whether the duck was wild or domesticated or the woman's pet.
The woman was taken to County Jail. The duck, which deputies said appeared uninjured, was taken to the Santa Cruz County Animal Shelter for further evaluation.
Fri
Sep
23
Death By Dumplings
STUCK ON SUING
Elsie Pawlow, 49, is seeking $100,000 from Kraft Canada, parent company of Cadbury Adams, which manufactures Stride chewing gum.
Her suit claims: "Over a period of five minutes the gum falls apart into little pieces and sticks to the dentures. As a result, the plaintiff has suffered depression for approximately 10 minutes."
Her suit also claims she finds the act of "digging out" small bits of gum to be "disgusting."
Kraft has yet to file a statement of defense.
PARENTS FIGHT TO EVICT SON
The parents say they are exhausted from cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry for him. But he refuses to leave.
"My wife is suffering from stress and had to be hospitalized. He [the son] has a good job but still lives at home," the father said. "He demands that his clothes be washed and ironed and his meals prepared. He really has no intention of leaving."
Lawyers for the couple have sent a letter to the son, warning him to vacate the house within six days or face legal action.
FYI: According to a recent survey, nearly half of adults between the ages of 18 and 39 still live with their parents in Italy.
ORANGE YOU WORRIED ABOUT SAFETY?
The men, who said the bright orange reflector goes against their modesty codes, refused to pay the fines -- so they were sentenced to between three and 10 days in jail.
Apparently the men opted for jail time because they felt paying the fines would mean they were complying with a law that violates their religious code against wearing bright colors or "trusting in man-made symbols for their safety."
DEATH BY DUMPLINGS
Ivan Mendel ate 10 potato dumplings in 30 seconds to win first place and had just been handed his prize -- a one-liter jar of sour cream -- when he began to feel ill. An ambulance was called, but Mendel was deceased before it arrived, according to witnesses.
There is no official report on the cause of death.
Thu
Sep
22
Fired Up Over Fire Sauce
JUST SAY SHOW?
Students had been told to bring in family photos and family items to share with the class. When it was his turn, the 5-year-old opened his backpack and pulled out a crack pipe and a baggie of crack rocks.
The child's mother was charged with possession of a controlled substance and one count of first-degree child endangerment.
The boy is now being cared for by family members.
BODY SNATCHER?
A West Virginia woman was arrested for allegedly stealing a hearse ... with a body inside.
Apparently the hearse driver left the vehicle running and the door open when he went inside the funeral home. That's when 23-year-old Angela Jeanette Dehart jumped in and drove off.
She abandoned the vehicle on a street by her home and walked the rest of the way.
Police returned the hearse (and its contents) to the funeral home within 4 hours of the incident.
Dehart confessed to taking the hearse and driving it home. She said she took the vehicle because she was unfamiliar with the area.
She faces charges of grand larceny and displacement of a dead body.
FIRED UP OVER FIRE SAUCE
According to police, Jeremy Combs, 30, got his food at the Taco Bell drive-through window, drove home, and then went back to the restaurant with his shotgun when he realized there were no packets of hot sauce in his bag.
Combs was charged with being a felon illegally in possession of a firearm.
WHY WALK WHEN YOU CAN TAKE A CAB?
Macon police found 22-year-old Gene Cornett -- and the stolen cab -- in the Wendy's parking lot.
Cornett said he found the cab with the keys inside at a vacant lot by his home -- and took it because he wanted to go to Wendy's and didn't want to walk.
Cornett was charged with theft by taking.
Wed
Sep
21
Officer Inmate, I Presume?
BE MY FACEBOOK FELON?
The woman awoke the other night to find Juan Gonzales Jr. standing in her bedroom. When she screamed, he took off, but not before grabbing her cell phone -- which he then used to send text messages to her and one of her friends.
Police tracked Gonzales using the cell phone's signal, and found that he matched the description given by the victim, so they hauled him in.
ALL BETS ARE OFF!
The unidentified 21-year-old might have gotten off with a scolding had he made that mistake once, but he actually approached the officer on duty twice in his attempt to get some gambling action. When he returned, he was asked to take a Breathalyzer and ended up registering more than three times the legal limit.
While he wasn't charged with a crime, he did get to spend the night in a detox cell... where he probably developed some chips... on his shoulder!
A KICK ASS RESCUE
We've heard of jackasses being allowed to board airplanes, but this is ridiculous!
An animal rescue group paid big bucks to fly 120 donkeys from Hawaii to California earlier this week after the critters ran into problems due to the unseasonably dry weather on the Big Island. The animals had wandered off from their mountainside coffee plantations and began causing havoc in traffic in nearby towns.
The creatures can be adopted for 200 bucks apiece.
OFFICER INMATE, I PRESUME?
Robert Wade tried to get the jailhouse gig even though he was wanted in Florida on charges of vehicular manslaughter while driving under the influence. He was never actually booked after the accident, so it wasn't immediately clear if he knew there was a warrant out for his arrest.
Wade waived extradition proceedings during a brief hearing and will be returned to Florida.
Tue
Sep
20
Brow Bitten?
TAKE A CHILL PILL?
47-year-old Donald Goetz told police he had no idea why he'd been feeling sick -- but then his wife, Melissa, accidentally left him a voicemail where she was talking to another woman about putting the anti-anxiety medication in his morning brew.
Melissa Goetz told deputies she put the Xanax in her husband's coffee to calm him down.
She was charged with attempted felony murder and poisoning of food or water.
Tests performed on Donald Goetz revealed trace amounts of the drug in his system.
WASH, RINSE, AND TREAT
Roderick Ward says he was gone for 10 days and became suspicious when he realized his air conditioner was running and his back doors were unlocked.
Officers identified the three kids in the photos and contacted their parents -- who apologized. Ward says he does not plan to press charges.
LAWNMOWER LADY
Neighbors called police in Port St. Lucie complaining that Merrilee Schwarz, 51, was riding up and down the street on her lawnmower after 11 o'clock at night, revving the engine, doing burnouts, and yelling and cursing. She then began to howl a dog.
Apparently Schwarz said she was celebrating her birthday. Happy arrest!
BROW-BITTEN?
29-year-old Luis Miguel Aguilar was arrested after he got into a fight with a 41-year-old man at a house party.
Police say the victim lost an egg-sized chunk of skin and hair on his face and will require reconstructive surgery.
Aguilar is expected to be arraigned on one count of felony mayhem.
Mon
Sep
19
A New Kind Of Fat Farm
NOW THAT'S A TOSSED SALAD
Alicia Ducharme got herself into the pickle by getting into a loud argument with Michael Dyer, who happens to be missing one of his legs. The older man had accused her of stealing cash, and when she got fed up, she took the salad she'd been eating and dumped it over his head.
Responding officers reported that Ducharme admitted she was guilty and instructed them to "arrest me," but she resisted when they attempted to handcuff her. She's charged with multiple felony counts as a result of the altercation.
THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU'RE DEAD
Robert Jeffrey Young and Mark Rubinson were charged with abusing a corpse and identity theft after hitting a handful of hotspots with the decidedly cold Jeffrey Jarrett, who'd been dead for an undetermined amount of time. Young says he found Jarrett dead at his home and couldn't decide what to do, so the two men opted to load the corpse into a car and head out to get loaded -- on Jarrett's tab, no less.
They then went to an ATM with the dead man's bank card, withdrew $400 in cash to fund a strip club visit, grabbed a bite to eat, and finally reported the death to authorities.
THAT'S ONE BLEEPIN' FINE DRINK!
A German liquor manufacturer didn't mince any words in coming up with a name for its latest libation -- trademarking the German equivalent of the F-bomb for the beverage.
EFAG now has exclusive rights to use the naughty word in the realm of booze sales, and will launch the new line of Ficken Schnapps this fall. Officials initially refused to register the name as a trademark, on grounds that it was offensive, but a higher court overruled that, saying that while it was in poor taste, there was no violation of public morals involved.
A NEW KIND OF FAT FARM
Plastic surgeon Jeffrey Hartog has opened what's thought to be America's first "fat bank," where people who've gotten excess fat vacuumed out during liposuction can store it in case they need it at a later date. The good doctor says that the leftover goo can be used for anything from filling in facial wrinkles to plumping up breasts in a natural fashion.
The cost to store 250 to 300 cubic centimeters of fat, which would fill a coffee cup, is $900 for the first year and $200 a year after that.
Fri
Sep
16
No Doggie Bag For You!
HEY, DEER... WANNA SWING?
The homeowner told police he arrived home to discover bits of apple strewn around his yard -- but no swing set in sight. Authorities immediately put two and two together, as animals often get tipsy from eating fruit that's started to ferment.
The cops couldn't apprehend the stealthy stag, but found the swing set abandoned in a stretch of woods not far away.
CASA DE CADAVER
Lastel, in the town of Yokohama, is a cozy little spot, but it'd be wrong to call it warm, since each of its 18 tiny rooms is built to lodge a dead body -- an important service in a place where there's a waiting list to have loved ones cremated.
The hotel's average stay is about four days, and the cost is about $150 per night -- not including calls for room service, which are rare.
NO DOGGIE BAG FOR YOU!
The owner of MarMar restaurant is trying to stamp out waste by assessing a fine to diners who don't manage to eat all of the dishes they order. He says he's tired of dealing with status-minded customers who order far more food than they need because it will look impressive to their guests, so he's taking action.
Since they hack off limbs for stealing in those parts, patrons should be happy to leave with taste buds intact.
MAKE A RUN FOR THE JAILHOUSE
Terry Kimball was slightly inebriated when he approached the restaurant and tried to get in, then tried to place his order at the window while on foot. He dialed the emergency number and pleaded with the dispatcher to call the restaurant manager, saying "I left my car on purpose, so I wouldn't drink and drive. I walked up, they wouldn't serve me. I just want some tacos. That's it."
Kimball stayed on the line for more than 10 minutes stating his case, but didn't get any tacos -- unless they were on the menu at the jail where he was taken for misuse of emergency services.
Thu
Sep
15
Belly Up To The Dating Site
THE TOOTH HURTS!
Francisco Rojas's wife called 911 after he knocked back a few cold ones and ambled into his garage to try to pull a tooth that had been giving him trouble. When police arrived, Rojas was holding a pair of pliers and shouting obscenities at random. There was vomit on the floor from his extraction attempts.
He was arrested on charges of disturbing the peace because his outburst "affected the public decency as well as the peace and quiet of the children playing in the neighborhood."
PIG DEFILES HOG
A policeman spotted Victor Ford squatting with his jeans around his knees, and when he got closer, he says he saw "fresh human feces" on top of the animal. When asked why he committed the bizarre act, Ford simply said, "When you've got to go, you've got to go."
Speaking in court, Ford's lawyer said, "He doesn't have any recollection of events on that day due to the amount he had been drinking."
URINE PAIN, AREN'T YOU?
The unidentified biker tried to swerve out of the way when the stainless steel unit fell off a flatbed truck into his path. That didn't pan out so well, and he plowed right into it, tossing him into mid-air and causing a broken ankle among other injuries.
The trucker was cited with failure to secure his load and is scheduled to appear in court next month.
BELLY UP TO THE DATING SITE
The MyMicrobes website matches people based on the bacteria found in their bellies, operating on the principle that a shared tendency toward intestinal woes can lead to long-term togetherness. After registering on the site, members are shipped a package of information and a stool-sample kit. They are then asked to ship the samples back to a lab where the DNA is extracted.
While not everyone is likely to think the idea is a gas, we're sure the service will help some people make beautiful... er... music together.
Wed
Sep
14
Catch Myself If I Can
WHERE'S THE BEEF? YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW!
Scott Shover was spotted ripping open packages, masticating mouthfuls, and leaving the leftovers for the next consumer to come along. It's estimated that he did $24 worth of damage to the store's meat counter.
Because of four prior theft convictions, Shover was charged with a felony.
THAT'S ONE VOTE FOR NOT GUILTY...
Derrick Smith told the judge that he'd be more than happy to take his spot in the jury box, and promised to be fair and impartial if chosen.
Not surprisingly, Judge Richard Giardino declined Smith's offer and requested he remain seated next to his defense attorney instead.
AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE...
Hugh McGinniss submitted the idea to an inventors' competition and did well enough that the jolt-proof jammies are now for sale Down Under. He notes, "When I have mentioned it to other fathers, you could see the pain in their eyes. It can be funny, but it is painful when it happens."
His next goal is to manufacture ouch-free undies for dads who carry their little ones in those papoose carriers -- which put the sensitive bits right in the line of fire.
CATCH MYSELF IF I CAN
Emile Pratt Jr. got word that the owner of the Gold Mind shop was offering a reward for information regarding the August 31st break-in, so he decided to offer his help. He claimed to have heard glass breaking around the time of the heist, and said he'd do anything he could to solve the matter.
But when he showed up to do so, cops grew suspicious and checked out pawn shops in the area, which fingered Pratt as the guy who'd been brining in goods lifted from the shop. He remains jailed on burglary charges.
Tue
Sep
13
Urine Trouble Now, Kid
SUPERSIZE SEAT
Martin Kessman, 64, said he first realized he couldn't fit into the booths at the Nanuet White Castle in April 2009 and complained to the restaurant in writing. He claims he received three "very condescending letters" in return -- along with coupons for free burgers.
Kessman said restaurant officials promised to put in larger seats, but they have failed to do so almost two years later.
"I just want to sit down like a normal person," Kessman said.
His lawsuit is seeking larger chairs at the restaurant and unspecified damages.
WHO YA GONNA CALL? BUS BUSTERS!
The wheels on the bus... don't offer much protection from the long arm of the law.
That's what a bus driver in China discovered when he tried to dodge a ticket for running a red light by hopping out of his seat and diving under his bus in search of a hiding place. The officers eventually called for a backup crew that started to tow away the bus -- only to have the driver crawl along at slow speed underneath the vehicle.
The cops eventually found their opening and pulled the man out, hauling him off to jail on a variety of charges.
A LOSING PAIR
Janell Athalone-Afrika allegedly forged documents to falsely lower her income and claim more than $15,000 in government support for child care over the past eight years. But when she was finally caught red-handed, she turned to the evil twin defense -- which anyone with Nick at Nite on their cable package would recognize.
"It's pretty clear we didn't find any truth in the evil twin sister defense," said Deputy Prosecutor Barb Trathen. "When you have a person who not only has a higher income than reported, but who has a husband's income and actually an additional outside business that they are running, that seems unfair."
URINE TROUBLE NOW, KID
Corey Webb was already in enough trouble, seeing as he was on trial for allegedly shooting a guard while trying to escape from a juvenile detention facility last year. But as the courtroom was being cleared for a meal break, Webb dampened his chances of kind treatment even further by walking over to a trash can and relieving himself into it.
His lawyer requested a mental competency test after the incident, but Webb flushed that idea and entered a guilty plea.
Mon
Sep
12
Call Her Crazy
BREAKING & EATING
When officers responded to an alarm at Mr. Beef and Pizza in Mount Prospect they found 19-year-old Hachem Gomez inside the restaurant, cooking himself a meal.
According to police, Gomez broke into the restaurant through the drive-thru window.
Surveillance video also showed Gomez damaging a cash register, pouring himself a soda, and then putting chicken tenders and fries into the microwave.
No word on whether Gomez was under the influence of anything... other than hunger.
ADULT EDUCATION?
Apparently kids had to wait for the bus in a parking lot behind a strip club in Atlantic Beach.
One mother, who waits at the stop with her children, says she had to explain to her 4-year-old what "topless" meant.
CALL HER CRAZY
After her boyfriend filed a complaint, the woman was arrested and police seized a number of cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam.
The woman claims they were in a relationship, so the number of phone calls was completely normal.
The 62-year-old victim denies any relationship with her.
The court ordered her to have no contact with the man ever again.
OH DEER
No one is quite sure how the fawns found their way into the Publix grocery store in Suwanee, but once inside, the animals ran up and down the aisles, slipping and sliding on the slick floors.
Employees were finally able to corral the deer in the meat department. They then carried the deer out the back door and released them.
Store officials said no one was injured and the meat department was sanitized.
Fri
Sep
09
Call Him A Devil May Carebear
BOOZIN' BULLWINKLE!
The creature had been stuck in the tree with one foot touching the ground for some time before Per Johansson and his neighbors tried to free it on their own. They had no luck, so they called emergency service workers who managed to ease him to the ground, where he lay for a bit before staggering off -- without requiring mouth-to-moose resuscitation.
Johansson said, "My neighbor recognized it as the animal that almost ran into her car earlier in the day. She was pretty sure the moose was already under the influence."
THE AGONY OF DE FEET
Falguni Patel wilted after a prosecutor showed her the knife used by the masked robber who robbed her convenience store in 2009, and the judge ordered the jury out of the room. When she couldn't be woken up in traditional ways, a family member took off her athletic shoe and held it under the woman's nose, saying that usually worked.
When it didn't, the judge admitted de-feet and adjourned the session. Patel was taken away by paramedics and was reported to be resting comfortably.
NOT A PICTURE-PERFECT CRIME
Walter Gunter approached the counter and asked to buy a pack of cigarettes, and when the clerk turned to grab his butts, he passed a note threatening to kill the man unless he turned over the store's cash. Gunter fled with 200 bucks and a pack of Newports, but left his wallet -- which contained his state-issued prison ID card.
He'd moved from the address listed on that card, but cops think it's only a matter of time before they smoke him out.
CALL HIM A DEVIL-MAY-CAREBEAR!
The critter had his paws full after breaking into a Toyota Prius in the driveway of a house in Pleasanton, California. He rolled the car across the street and over a retaining wall before totally losing control of the vehicle and damaging the gearbox in his haste to make tracks.
A police spokesperson expressed surprise at the break-in, since there was no food in the car to lure the bear inside. He said, "Normally, you'll get reports of the dumpster divers and trash divers, but bears breaking into cars is different."
Thu
Sep
08
Pinched Over Lobster Theft
THERE'S A HOLE IN THAT LOGIC
The woman, who has asked not to be identified, was taken to a hospital in the Las Cruces area for a cavity search after police arrested her on suspicion of drug possession, but the search found nothing. She was later billed more than $1100 by the facility for the procedure, which she is refusing to pay.
The woman has no criminal record, but was held for several hours on what cops call "credible information" that she was hiding heroin inside a body cavity.
HE COULDN'T CATCH A BRAKE!
The suspect jumped on the woman's hood, pointed the gun at her and commanded her to drive -- and she did, hitting the gas and not stopping until she ran right into a garage door at police headquarters. A parking garage attendant called officers, who tracked down the fleeing suspect as he was trying to get on a city bus nearby.
A Kansas City police sergeant called the woman's crime-solving solution "very effective."
NO BUTTS ABOUT IT
The ironically-named Scott Wiener wants to put a few limits on the town's liberal public nudity laws -- not by outlawing bare butts, but by keeping them off the seats on public transportation. Wiener's proposal would require folks baring all to place something on seats on buses, trains and restaurant chairs before sitting down.
He said, "While we have a variety of views about public nudity, we can all agree that when you sit down naked, you should cover the seat."
PINCHED OVER LOBSTER THEFT
Nathan Mark Hardy thought he hit the jackpot after he walked into a Winn Dixie supermarket and stuffed his shorts with a variety of items, including the lobsters, some jumbo shrimp and a large pork loin. He nearly got away after chucking the roast at store employees, but fell down when he turned tail, and was apprehended.
Wed
Sep
07
Whatever Floats Your Boat
THE PUFFS ARE MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD
The still-unidentified man was reportedly "marching like a drum major" down Highway 30 when cops approached him. He swung his weapon once, but dropped it when ordered to -- although he did try to escape by jumping into a car that had swerved off the road to avoid the whole bizarre scene.
The suspect has been charged with attempted carjacking, resisting law enforcement and possession of marijuana.
SHIRT HAPPENS...
When Justin Caine was pulled over for a minor traffic violation, the deputy who stopped him noticed a marijuana leaf on his shirt -- not a picture of the wacky weed, an actual piece of greenery. Upon closer inspection, Caine was found to have a good-sized bag of pot in his pocket -- enough, in fact, to prompt felony charges.
Passenger Ryan Williams, 24, said he knew that Caine had the marijuana and had smoked some with him earlier.
JENNY CRAIG MADE ME DO IT!
The woman, who was unsteady on her feet when cops arrived at the scene, says that her pants fell down on their own because she'd recently lost weight -- and she was having a bit of trouble keeping them attached to her hips.
A man who was at the park with his children begged to differ, saying he saw the woman pull her pants down on her own. He also noted that there were bathrooms nearby.
WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT
Edwin Charles Tobergta was busted after the neighbor -- who actually owned the hot pink flotation device -- called cops to complain about the nautical naughtiness. The man yelled at Tobertga to stop, but he ran off holding the raft under one arm.
Tobertga, who has five previous arrests for public indecency, told arresting officers that he needs help for his problem.
Tue
Sep
06
Finger Licking Hurt
B.L.T. PHONE HOME!
The farmer whose sow gave birth to the piglet said, "I was shocked -- it was a really terrifying experience. It looked like some kind of alien creature." A local health official had a more earthbound, but equally creepy explanation, saying that rampant pollution might have caused a genetic mutation.
A CONVICTION IS IN THE BAG
Workers at a neighboring business grew suspicious after they spotted Arlene Louise Bremmer running to and from Inflight Surf and Sail with armfuls of clothing that she was tossing into her car. The shop owner chased her down and managed to grab some of the merchandise before she drove off -- not knowing he'd also snagged her purse.
The suspect returned to the store and demanded the bag, then pepper sprayed the owner for good measure. Cops caught up with her shortly thereafter, and arrested her on multiple felony counts.
FINGER-LICKIN' HURT!
The plucky teen, who was not apprehended, got up a full head of steam and barreled into the victim, dressed in a chicken suit and handing out advertisements for a paycheck advance company.
The costumed cluck wasn't badly hurt in the assault, only receiving cuts to his wing... er, arm.
DON'T TASE ME, LORD!
Marcus Perkins was spotting walking around his neighborhood naked, aside from a pair of shoes, but neighbors didn't really get involved until he appeared to start following a girl who'd just gotten off a school bus. A bunch of people surrounded Perkins, who was shouting about being the re-incarnation of reggae legend Bob Marley, and then police arrived.
After three warnings, one officer fired what Perkins called "the Lord's lightning gun," knocking the loser for a loop. He's currently being held at a psychiatric hospital pending a full exam.
Fri
Sep
02
Dino-Might!
TAKE THAT, E.T.!
The mother of the 23-year-old man's children alerted cops to his odd behavior after she became worried about the family's safety. He told them he was shooting down flying saucers that exploded when hit by his bullets.
A psychiatrist called in to examine the man said he may have been suffering from a severe psychiatric ailment. Oh, by the way, he had a previous conviction for attempted manslaughter -- of an earth resident.
FOOT IN THE DOOR? HOW ABOUT FOOT IN THE TRUNK?
Daniel Burton of Steeton, England, did just that to a stranger's car after downing 10 cans of beer. And he couldn't even come up with an excuse -- because he was too drunk to remember the incident at all.
He caused about $500 worth of damage to the vehicle, then assaulted a policeman at his home when the cop tried to prevent him from escaping.
He was sentenced to six months probation and ordered to attend an alcohol awareness program.
DINO-MIGHT!
If you thought good customer service was as extinct as the Tyrannosaurus Rex, think again!
A British man who was overcharged for a sandwich at a department store's snack bar sent off a complaint letter and was promised a voucher to make up for it. When the certificate never arrived, he wrote another nasty-gram and demanded an additional perk -- a drawing of "a smiley dinosaur."
Bill Bennett says he was stunned when an envelope from Marks and Spencer arrived -- containing a gift certificate and a hand-drawn dino, courtesy of the store's manager. A spokesperson for Marks and Spencer said, "We're always going the extra mile to make our customers happy, even when requests may be out of the ordinary."
THIS JOKE BOMBED!
Danisa Landaeta took out a pen and paper and drew a picture of a bomb, captioned with the word "BOOM!," then taped it to her traveling companion's suitcase. Officials spotted the note and raised a red flag, clearing the terminal and moving several planes as a result.
Landaeta was arrested on charges of planting a hoax bomb and criminal mischief.
Thu
Sep
01
Who Was That Masked Animal
WHAT A LAP DUNCE!
W.A. Ilg says that servers at the club continued to bring him liquor when he was already incapacitated, leading him to spend uncontrollably without realizing it. He contacted the club to ask for a refund, but that request turned out to be a bust, so he retained a lawyer.
A spokesperson for the Hustler Club mocked Ilg's claim, saying, "These guys think they can come in here and party like rock stars."
RIBS BELONG IN SHIRTS, NOT PANTS
Donald Noone should have known that his meat maneuver would meet with failure, since he was busted for the exact same thing just three months ago. Cops say he was "highly intoxicated" at the time of both arrests, and that he's racked up six additional public drunkenness charges in the past few months.
Since he hadn't packed too much meat into his trousers -- only $20 worth -- authorities say that jail time is unlikely.
SNAKES IN THE PANTS ON THE PLANE
The man, who was not identified, went through a scanning device that discovered seven rare snakes and three tortoises stuffed into bags that were then stuffed into his pants.
Officers from the Department of Fish and Wildlife took custody of the critters and arrested the passenger.
WHO WAS THAT MASKED ANIMAL?
When cops hauled Joshua Greene in for running buck naked through a concert in the parking lot, they thought they had closed the book on a simple, but weird case. But when they tracked down his car, they found his girlfriend -- and a completely untamed masked critter.
A police source says, "They said his girlfriend rescued it from a park, but as far as where it actually came from, we couldn't really say for sure." Greene faces charges of public intoxication and indecent exposure.
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